Friday, November 27, 2009

Born a Vampire

Someone who is born a Vampire is not a fiction or corrupted ideas from "Hollywood". I will add, that many legends have their root based on a truth. From the time of a Vampire’s birth, a Vampire is a target  for the good or bad, from both worlds, the natural that we know and can see with our naked eyes on earth, and the supernatural that we cannot see behind the curtain of the natural world.

A Vampire goes through many or a few paranormal experiences that are not caused intentionally, such as some people, who open the doors of demons activities by practicing witchcraft and so on. Vampire’s go through extreme social abuses, from their infancy to the later as adults and for the rest of their life. It could be abuses from family members, people who demonstrate extreme envy and jealousy towards Vampires, being beat up by kids in schools, in the work environments, etc. and being abused in all areas of life in all shapes and forms by any one. The opposite applies at the same time, where some people gravitated towards a Vampires all the time, showing favoritism, friendship, love, curiosity, positive social relations etc.

Vampires can go through many career change, or not, and or never stay in one place or country for too long, have difficulty to find a loving stable relationship, because regular people cannot reach the level of their values, based on their wisdom, their spirituality or faith, the way they see things, (usually a Vampire needs the same amount of spiritual wisdom from a partner, showing loyalty and dedication as well and who they can trust with their life) or they will move on.

A Vampire has extreme loyalty, passion, devotion, been seen in their ways as eccentric or different in their body languages and verbal ways of expressing themselves. Vampires are emotionally profound, warriors in all area of life, forgiving regular humans showing patience as much as they can, but does not tolerate been exploited, insulted, lied to (because a Vampire knows when someone lies ), and will definitely go on their loner ways if things don't change with immature people that are weak in the flesh of their actions and thoughts.

A Vampire, is not someone that shows off, but who stays hidden and low key towards the world as much as possible. A Vampire is not someone who tries to impress any one, because any one, are 80% impressed by them, in a good way, or bad way. A Vampire gets very sick, when not eating red meat, and a lots of it, to sustain basic bodily functions. Vampires are never satisfied when it comes to regular foods, until they eat the raw red meat , then their body stop the cravings.

A Vampire, can choose which side to take, God’s ways or Evil ways, and in either case, are a target for both supernatural worlds. A Vampire who has true knowledge about God, risks his or her life, deviating towards a path of evil ways. Vampires indeed, are special, but there is a price to pay by being one. It take a very long time for a Vampire to figure him or her self out. A Vampire has a soul, in search who wants to search all their life the purpose of their life. A Vampire's love does not start in the flesh as physical sexual need, but in their soul without touching. On the opposite, A Vampire who does not love, will only satisfy a (sexual physical need).

Vampires do not get attached but to a very few people going through their path, because they find most regular people totally boring, with the same boring agendas, no spiritual wisdom what so ever, no purpose in most regular peoples life. The opposite of this, is a Vampire who is faithless, and will be socially extremely active so to satisfy their evil ways and agendas.

A Vampire is not someone who pretends, they are what they are. Vampires, are night souls, with different type of beauties not necessarily what the society portrait as beauty. Regular people would approach a Vampire, with curiosity, knowing that something is different about this person, making small talk and asking questions, with much curiosity in their eyes.

A Vampire does not age as fast as others, and also gets very sick or not healthy at all, when eating regular people foods. A Vampire does better with mostly a meat based diet, sadly, because some Vampires, actually hate the idea of killing animals and become vegetarians. Vampires experience paranormal activities, they are gifted, can feel presences or situations in advance, not at all times but most of the time.

Vampires, who have chosen the path of God’s ways, are amazing to be around with, but a regular human who even come to recognize a Vampires worth needs to cope with all that comes in the personality, ways, and looks, of a Vampire. If a Vampire says, "I am a Vampire" and express their true identities and ways, most regular people will look at them like they need to be in a mental hospital. Therefore, I have said only to one person, what I am, who I have loved dearly, and yet, not knowing the next chapter in the decision of his free will, because one God’s perfection I understand, is free will, to be used for good or evil, a given choice, that could be used for the good only.

Many dream of meeting a Vampire, you may have met one, or not, but if you have enough knowledge, and stay mentally alert, with a genuine interest, you will recognize a Vampire in true. Regular people have a soul, and Vampires have a soul as well, who are used as messengers on this earth. A Vampire's biochemistry is surely different, then regular people, indirect attraction towards blood, and much more, but a Vampire is a gentle beast, when approached the right way.

When a soul reaches divine maturity Vampires have similar, regular human traits, but are so different in so many ways. A Vampire will always look onto regular people with a curious look on their face, and will be more attentive in what you have to say. A Vampire is more forgiving, within limits given a chance, due to the fact that their divine maturity was reached at the time of their infancies, while most regular people need a life time to figure wisdom out, and are driven mostly by their poor desires in the flesh. You will never know, the identity of a Vampire, unless they find you special enough, to reveal the truth about them self.

Written by Hadassa, Copyright 2009

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Green Monkey

See this started when I went to Nevada I think I was about 11 when it happened.

Anyways I was with my mom shopping I didn't want to go shopping but she did (she made me go with her.) So while we were shopping she spotted something that she wanted (she likes funny stuffed animals and nick-knacks.) She made me go see it to it was a green monkey with cotton inside it.

The minute I saw it I did not like it. It had a weird smile but she really wanted it. I didn't think it would bother me. Well we spent our time in Nevada at my moms best friends house then we went home.

I sleep in my room it feels really scary also I believe in ghosts my room is another story send comments if you want to hear about it. Anyways I started sleeping in the living room alone my mom put the green monkey in the living room because she wanted visitors to see it. When I was trying to sleep in the living room I felt like I was being watched like in my room. So I looked around and I saw the monkey staring at me I really hate being stared at so I turned the monkey around so it was staring at the wall. The next morning it was staring at me again but closer it was just a few feet away from me.

I asked my mom but she did not do anything my brother was 3 at the time and he couldn't reach that high.So I was freaked out.

The next time it happened was close to my birthday I was sitting down watching TV when I saw the monkey it was on the chair right across from me I was sitting on the couch and it was just staring at me. Of course my mom and brother did not touch it.

I was really freaked out by now by the monkey of course this time I was 12 I was just outside and was going to play the video game in my house and in the living room. Just as I was playing I saw it behind the chair, again I was sitting on the couch. It was creepier this time though I could only see half of it the other half was hidden by the chair. Like I said I hate being watched and this the final straw so I put it in a jar and closed the lid and threw it away. My mom forgot about it anyways so she did not care. I thought it was over.

This is the last time but the scariest. See my grandparents live next to us in a house right. I visit there often but this one time I was asked to get something out of the closet at my grandparents house this is when I was 13 now I went to the closet and opened it and I couldn't believe it the green cotton filled monkey in a jar was inside the closet. I remember throwing it away in my house and my grandparents did not get it I was so shocked and scared so I acted on instinct I picked it up (it was still in a jar) and threw it in a nearby dumpster right when the dumpster truck was coming I remember seeing the monkey in the jar going inside the dumpster truck.

Well that's the last time I saw it.Its almost my birthday maybe it might come back I hope not it was scary beyond belief. I still feel eyes watching me in the living room and in my room. Well that's the end comment if you want to hear more stories from me.

Sent in by Max Burleigh, Copyright 2009

Monday, November 23, 2009

I am Part Vampire

Okay. I didn’t read Do Vampires Exist?, but I have a few things to say about Vampires.

1. Vampires do exist. They have some powers, speed, mind reading and so on.

2. They are not all gorgeous. Though there it is hard not to like them, they have their own beauty, a special kind that can and may draw others in.

3. Not all drink human blood. There are some, example Edward Cullen that drink animal blood and animal blood only.

4. No name up there (Do Vampires Exist? story), I think it is just a fake that is looking to scare a bunch of people.

5. Vampires can eat normal food. Trust me, the guys can be some pretty big pigs when it comes to that.

6. I myself am a part vampire. I have trouble sleeping at night, it calls to me. I don’t need blood, but the thirst for it is unbarring, but only when I see it. I am partly allergic to the sun. I DON’T SPARKLE. I get bumps all over my arms when I am in it.

I know real vampires, and they are really nice, and some will not harm you, I also know real lycans, well one of y best friends is half. AND WE DON’T FIGHT. Him and I, both being half of “rival” groups don’t fight, hell we help each other out a lot.

So really, people should just leave us vampires alone. Yes they exist, no you will not tell us apart from other people. Yes we have gorgeous eyes, full vampires have cold skin. And so on and so forth.

Any questions, I will do my best to answer. But please, leave the vampires alone, they want to be normal, some had no choice of changing, just treat them like everyone else, they like that.

One last thing. Just because they sound cool doesn’t mean you want to be one, there are things about vampires that are not good.

The thirst, the wanting so bad to drink human blood, having trouble not killing the people you love. Living forever isn’t as nice as it seems, things get old, you lose people you care about and if you do become a vampire, you need to leave the people you love or they will find out and who knows what they will do.

Be careful what you wish for, things aren’t always what they seem. Remember that.

Sent in by Stephanie, Copyright 2009

Saturday, November 21, 2009

I am an Adapting Sanguinarian

Well, I guess it’s relatively safe for me to admit that I am an adapting sanguinarian, or at least that is what I’m classified as according to a vampire support page.

To be honest, the changing was horrible, it took place during my mid to late teen years. I thought it was some neurological/mental thing going on, but luckily it was not the case.

I blamed low melanin levels for my pale skin, weird grey eyes, uber sensitivity to sunlight or any sharp light, and the fact that I burn easily in a very short amount of time. I even though that I had a mild sun allergy (though I used to be a beach baby, now I don’t dare,)

As for my constant hunger, tiredness, migraines, muscle cramps, etc… Well, I though it was because I may have an Iron or some other type of vitamin/mineral/supplement deficiency. Turns out it wasn’t the case, according to my doc. I was healthy, they just assumed it might be due to somekind of virus or sleep deprivation (since I don’t sleep a lot. I don’t need a lot of sleep. I struggle falling asleep at night, even when I am really tired. Insomniac? Maybe.)

So they gave me supposed treatment which did not help.

I feed (for lack of a better word) on prana/life force either by psychic methods (other’s emotions, their energy, thunderstorms, etc) or via the purest form of prana, blood. Though the latter is extremely difficult to come by. Sadly. for me. and not sadly. Mixed feelings about that.

My so-called abilities are: dreams that foretell, precognition, clairaudience, clairsentience, seeing the spiritual world, sensing emotions, empath, knowing what’s going on in the mind of the person I am draining energy from (reading their minds, if you will, ), influencing other’s thoughts and influencing equipment (like lights, computers, etc) etc.. I must add that some I have no specific control over, just mildly. But when I am on an extreme energy low or high, or have a specific overpowering emotion (like anger) it gets extremely intense. I recently caused my PC and laptop to malfunction, my room’s bulbs to fail and some other instances. I can name more or go into detail of some if you wish,

I must, however, add that everyone is capable of doing these things. Not just human vampires.

So I have no disease, I’m not mentally unstable, my IQ, as tested when I was 17, is between 145-150.

I’ve never been normal (though, what is normal? Everyone feels this way I guess), always thought differently, did things differently, perceived things differently, had a different sense of style, was always said that I seem way more older than my physical body because of the way I act and think, I am odd-looking, etc..

Now, many other, err, normal people are or was also in the same boat as me. I’m just saying these things as it may be of relevance and it may not be. I don’t know.

I wish I knew why some of us are this way?

Is it because of somekind of recessive gene that only appear in some generations?

Is it because of demonic activity in early childhood? (I think I had Incubus incidents as a little girl. It happened when I was alone, locked up in my room and even when my family was at home. I’m an extremely light sleeper, always was, and the slightest noise would wake me. During these activities, I never woke, only shortly after.)

But why? I have been looking for answers for four years and my own conclusions are similar to Alpha’s. Though I still feel there’s more.

Alpha, do you think you’ll be able to shed some light on my situation?

If you would like to know more, please ask. I have typed this in a hurry as I am on my way out.

Thank you.

Sent in by Mina, Copyright 2009

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Vampires and Bardionan Magick

As I have posted before on sleep paralysis and other topics, I am a “closet’ magician of many years and have much experience with entities. I am not claiming to be better or more knowledgeable than anyone else, (that is pointless really), but I do have much experience that you can take or leave as you desire.

Vampires very much do exist. I have never known or encountered a Hollywood version of them though. They are entities that are (sometimes) sentient and self aware, occasionally very intelligent, cunning and creative. And some, less so. But they ALL share the same basic fundamental need and thirst for life force, energy.

Vampires very often start out as thought forms, they are the strong passions of repeated thought and feelings of people. Also in Bardionan Magick known as phantasms. What makes a vampire real, is that they are able to self evolve and become self aware. since they do not have a soul, a fountain of everflowing life force and energy to sustain them like a human, they must passively or aggressively absorb that life force from living creatures.

In renaissance times the blood was considered the life force of the body, but in actual fact the vampire’s lust for blood is really a lust for the life force and energy it needs to survive. So, these psychic creatures drain the living of their vital force, this may sound like a fantastic fairy tale, but I can assure you, it is not. If a vampire is powerful enough, or there are enough of them in a family, they can actually cause a physical death. In my career as a magician, I have only seen this happen once when I was very young. Perhaps a story for another time.

The image you saw, I believe I can offer you an explanation. It was most likely a phantasmal force, the vampire has the ability to implant images into the optical region of your neurons, and create a hallucination effect that you see with your eyes. Similar to recalling pink elephants under hypnosis. the vampires hallucination does not make it any less real, it was most likely very much there as you saw it, but unless it had tapped the brainwaves of others they would not have perceived it, except through maybe an eerie feeling or a cold chill.

Because the vampire is an astral creature by nature it is able to fly, take on any form it wishes, implant suggestive thoughts and create visual and auditory hallucination as it desires.

Some vampires are human beings that have deceased and become trapped on a astral level that their spiritual progress is stopped to the point of becoming part of the dimension they occupy. This is a very sad case indeed. Vampires are considered evil because they steal life. But know this, they do it because it is instinctual and they must in order to survive, some are extremely malicious and evil, you may even be able to classify them as demons, but not all vampires are evil, some are simply trying to survive.

I hope this helps friend

Sent in by Santa Remo, Copyright 2009

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Sleep Paralysis and Succubus Possession

To whom that could help me, This may not sound like a ghost story, which I hope it's not cause if it is then perhaps I'm in some deep grave. I've been suffering from what seems to be sleep paralysis but I fear that it could be more than just normal blockage of nerves to rest my limbs during sleep.

I've been reading some the articles related to sleep paralysis on this website. I'm a bit reluctant to accept this but there are some or many similarities of my sleep paralysis experiences with the "unusual" sleep paralysis I've came across in this website.

I'm hearing noises, speeches of foreign language, glass breaking screams, whispers of incomprehensible words during my sleep. I'll wake up when it becomes to unbearable but of course my limbs will defy my commands and not moving a inch. My voice will be lost as if my throat is blocked not allowing anything but air to move in and out.

Most of the time I'll have to purge my entire strength just to open my eyes and when I do it would seem to a different atmosphere overall. Not sure how to describe it but it's not my room, except of course my mattress below. I would feel as if the air itself is too heavy for my body as if trying to keep me still. Also, at times I could feel hands touching and caressing me. Sticks or cane of which I'm not sure poking my chest or stomach. But nevertheless, there are times of which I'll experience sensual sleep paralysis which once turned into a scary experience for myself and my fiancée.

On this particular night, I went to sleep earlier as I was tired from my gym workout and my fiancée was in the hall watching a movie. It was approximately 2 am (later told by my fiancée) that she heard me moaning in pleasure and after few second of listening it got louder than it should (me being alone). She hurried to see what has happened and slapped by mistress of shock when she saw me naked (we always sleep naked) with an erection moving my body as if I was getting "it" ). But to her dismay and horror all of a sudden my body began to vibrate in spasm like manner and ejaculating liquids of semen at least three times more than I normally do but at that I was moaning more in pain rather than pleasure and my body which arched upwards fell abruptly on the mattress. I gained consciousness after a brief moment but I felt all my energy been drain out of my body. I was so thirsty that my fiancée fed me 8 jugs of water continuously.

We decided to see a shaman (my fiancée's idea) who confirmed that I was possessed by a succubus. The shaman said he could put a barrier around but not sure how effective it will be. It worked well, at least till now but the other voices and images that I see during the paralysis state still there. According to the Shaman, those are the sins of my ancestors which is for me to bear. Besides, some of them are strong enough to destroy the Shaman himself if he ever tries to mess with them.

I've been going around trying to solve but always met with a dead end. The most terrifying thing is that the images are getting clearer and the screams,shouts,whispers are getting louder. I've seen a guy dressed in some ancient Indian war cloth to midgets with sharp claws. I'm still suffering from this disease almost all nights most of which unpleasant and in need of help from those who knows what can I do to stop this or where I could go to end it. Thank You and Regards Ashuran

Written by Ashuran, Copyright 2009

Monday, November 16, 2009

How Does a Vampire Ingest Blood?

I am no vampire, yet I am getting quite put-off and annoyed by all these strange requests from people, naively desiring to “meet” or “become” vampires. What’s even more frustrating, is how often “Twilight” is mentioned. That movie must be the furthest from the truth, that I have ever witnessed. There is a worldwide vampire craze, and it’s because of that movie, and shows like True Blood, Vampire Diaries, etc.

“True Vampires” continue to mentioned. Where did the idea of a virus come into play? If these True Vampires exist, and they are the first brood of vampires to have been created thousands of years ago, then they would most likely be fully and completely WHAT THEY ARE: Vampires. NOT ex-humans who were magically infected by a super-selective virus that went after them back then.

So, how could a being that is technically a humanoid demon with human-like intelligence and a diet consisting purely of mammalian blood, transfer its affliction to humans?

I don’t mean to split any hairs, but it would be impossible for a foreign body (virus, prion, whatever) to change a person’s DNA, real-time, and actually affect physical change - particularly like the sharpening of teeth, modifying the digestive system.

Science will tell you that blood cannot simply enter your bloodstream through your stomach wall. It can be assumed that there is no such thing as any creature with a digestive system that allows the whole transfer of an ingested substance directly into its bloodstream.

I have often wondered what the rationale behind most vampire stories must be: specifically, how the vampire ingests the blood into their own circulatory system, instead of it being broken down.

Here’s what I think: Assuming the transfer of vampiric blood to an almost-fully-drained human, through their mouth, works in the same manner that the vampire draws the blood into its body. The Vampire is supernatural, and infused with some kind of spiritual energy from who-knows-where. This is what animates them; what keeps their brains functioning. The spiritual energy crosses a barrier somehow, reaching through its realm, into our reality, and physically infusing itself into the vampire’s blood. So, it can be postulated that when a vampire drinks human blood, it courses down their esophagus, into their stomach, where the spiritual mechanism (whatever it is) draws the LIFE-FORCE from it, and infuses the tissues of the vampires body with said life-force. Since the blood IS the life-force, then it’s the blood that is being energetically drawn from the stomach and pushed magically into all it’s tissues.

So, the vampires blood is now infused with this spiritual energy. Now, when the vampire decides to offer his/her blood to a human who is almost dead/almost drained, the human drinks it in the same manner, and the spiritual infusion process begins in the human. The change here is that the person is still alive, and has their own life-force coursing through their veins, so the vampiric blood, being stronger in energy, takes it all over, mixes with it, and pushes itself into the humans tissues, affecting transformation.

Think of it as Supernatural Osmosis of Blood.

So, this would explain why vampires of myth can pull off superhuman stunts, like vanishing, or drifting through the air, or appearing suddenly. If the being’s entire body is infused with the spiritual force, then that force has control over it all, and could manipulate it however it “wants”. So, it would seem to me that being a vampire, assuming supernatural origin, would be a rather scary situation. Where does this energy come from? Whose is it? Could it be revoked at any time by the owner? (God, Satan, Demons, whoever)

Another question: Vampires of myth and legend have been known to be rather brutal, manipulative, and seemingly uncaring about their human brethren. How could this happen, all of a sudden? Why would I die (in transformation) and wake up HATING everyone? Wanting to kill them? The blood is addictive, yes, and calls to a vampire more strongly than any drug you and I could imagine. Though - we never hear of a vampire having any meaningful dialogue with people (in the real-life stories).

If I woke up as a vampire, and felt a burning thirst, of course I’d find some animals to drink from. After having enough to have control over myself, I would definitely seek answers. At some point, I would speak to someone I knew, without giving away the fact of what I had become. Why don’t we ever hear of this?

Theory: the spiritual energy that infuses a vampire is NOT of a positive, benevolent nature. It is predatory and quite evil, it seems: even if the infused person is NOT “evil”. So, they are tormented, torn between the evil pull of the life-force inhabiting their bodies, and their feelings/intentions towards the world. Perhaps the reason so many stories involve the aspect of “evil” or brutality towards living people, is because perhaps some newly formed vampires are emotionally/spiritually weak, and they give in to the predatory pull of their new vampiric blood. These are the ones we may assume will become tyrannical monsters, eating whoever they want.

I wonder about all this. I must have answers.

Sent in by Robert, Copyright 2009

Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Demon Invader

About 7 years ago when I was 18 my friends and I had a party at their house, we had a very wild night talking about ghosts.(I didn't believe in Ghosts at the time). So after getting stoned and drunk (bad mix let me tell you!) I was gonna puke so I ran to the bathroom and I saw a thing (unfortunately I cant describe to you what I saw that night because I was stoned) and I stopped and puked on the floor. My friends mum told me to go home and get some rest,so I did.

When I was asleep I was having a horribly nightmare, in my nightmare I saw this monster thing laughing at me it was all firey, when I was gonna get killed in my dream I woke up with beads of sweat running down my face. So I fell asleep and woke up in the morning and had breakfast, that day I was rapidly attacked by something being hit and scratched and bitten. I saw things and they would talk to me through my mind, and I had very small sleep.

Luckily for me I went to someone and they told me that this demon or evil spirit had followed me from my friends house, she knew I was on drugs and said to stop. I read on this site how to get rid of demons and I asked a priest to cleanse my house and he did. It was an immediate change my house felt more welcoming.

Thank you.

Written by Jonathan McDaniels, Copyright 2009

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Vampires Keeping Away From Public Eye

Everybody, did you ever stop to think maybe vampires are keeping away from the public eye for a reason, I'm not going to pretend to know what that reason is but maybe but I'm sure you could all think of a few. People saying how come they never reveal themselves etc. I just believe that if I were a real vampire, psychic or blood drinker, it would not be something I would talk about so casually. I do martial arts, but I don't walk around saying I'm a fighter I'm a fighter, it’s just my way of life, something I do, you know.

For those claiming to be vampires here. Who would know if they are telling the truth or if they’re just kids? To me email and texting (although fast and useful ) is a very impersonal way of communicating. You could come up on here and say I'm a vampire I'm a vampire all day and no one would ever know the truth.

But you know what they say, it’s good to talk, but I cannot get so aggravated from people claiming to be something they only understand from Hollywood movies and books (which is not a great source of information in my opinion) nor can I belittle them in anyway, it’s quite simple to catch people out through kind words.

So in conclusion. I also want to say to believers and non believers out there, that vampires you see from Hollywood movies etc are for entertainment purposes only. Vampires in reality are nothing like them, as I've experienced so far anyway. But when a movie is made based on real life it’s always shown as being glorious, which is understandable for entertainment. I had a friend that watched a war movie or played call of duty I forget but anyway he now wants to join the army. Anyone who’s played call of duty will know they never wish to experience war. Anyway before I deviate from the subject, thanks for reading.

Sent in by Orion, Copyright 2009

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Making Sense and Sensibility Totally Ridiculous

Jane is my Co-Pilot: The Fine Art of Making Sense and Sensibility Totally Ridiculous
By Ben H. Winters

Since writing Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, I've gotten a ton of feedback about how nice it is that I've made Jane Austen appealing to certain readers -- meaning readers who previously suffered a persistent allergy to The Classics. I am complimented for taking the prim and decorous Jane Austen and making her, A) really violent, and B) really funny.
The first compliment I will gladly accept. Over the decades since Sense and Sensibility first appeared, it has been noted by scholars and casual readers alike that the book is sorely lacking in shipwrecks, shark attacks, and vividly described decapitations. I believe it was the poet and critic Thomas Chatterton who admired the novel's careful plotting and social critique, but lamented the total absence of vengeful ghost pirates.

But I can't take credit for making Jane Austen funny. As is well known by passionate fans of Austen -- I have yet to meet any other kind -- the old girl has always been funny. Take for example Mr. and Mrs. Palmer, a set of secondary characters in Sense and Sensibility. The periodic appearances of the Palmers comprise what any comedy writer will recognize as a running gag. Mrs. Palmer is chatty and trivial, while Mr. Palmer (a delightful Hugh Laurie in the Ang Lee version) is gruff and unaffectionate. What Mrs. Palmer labels "droll," the reader -- along with Elinor, our sensible heroine -- recognizes as plain distaste for his wife, her friends, and everybody else in the universe. Every time those Palmers show up, we know we're in for the next variation on the same great gag.

Note that Austen doesn't do to the Palmers what Charles Dickens would: Exaggerate their core traits to the point of absurdity. (Also, she doesn't name them something like Mr. and Mrs. Featherwit). The Palmers are funny, but they're plausible, and their primary function in the book is to provide not laughs, but a corrective to Marianne's rosy ideal of married life. So Austen makes them funny, but not ridiculous.

Making them ridiculous was my job. When the Palmers appear in my monsterfied Sensibility, I give Mr. Palmer's drollery a murky, weird-tales back story, part of the preposterously elaborate foreshadowing of my H.P. Lovecraft-inspired denouement.

I play the same game, of comically amplifying what's already there, in varying ways throughout the book. Colonel Brandon, stiff and formal and middle-aged, becomes a stiff and formal and middle-aged man-monster. Genial Sir John becomes genial adventurer/explorer Sir John. Had Austen made all her characters ridiculous in that Dickensian way, if she had been the kind of writer who is forever winking at her readers, my book would be (as they say in improv comedy) a hat on a hat. But because Sense and Sensibility is so eloquent and restrained, Sea Monsters gets to go way over the top.

This is true even on the simple level of vocabulary. Austen's precise early-19th century diction is the textual equivalent of Eustace Tilly, the top-hatted, monocled figure from the cover of the New Yorker: Her writing simply oozes good taste. The trick was to appropriate that ever-so-tasteful and old-timey Austenian style to describe things she never would have:

In the profound silence that followed, their ears were filled with a low thrashing sound, as the corpse of the bosun's mate was noisily consumed by devil fish. At length the captain drew upon his pipe, and spoke again. "Let us only pray that this is the worst such abomination you encounter in this benighted land; for such is but a minnow, when compared to the Devonshire Fang-Beast."

"The . . . what?"

Even more fun to play with than Austen's eloquent vocabulary is her universe of enforced emotional rectitude. The Dashwood sisters live in a world where one's feelings are not blurted out -- or, at least, they're not meant to be, as sensible Elinor is continually reminding sensitive Marianne. It's a constant struggle to keep one's emotions hidden beneath the surface; all I did was literalize that metaphor in the most preposterous way, by adding deadly and dangerous monsters which appear literally from beneath the surface.

There was one factor above all that made Sense and Sensibility such a fun comic foil, and that is the place the book holds in the cultural firmament. One question I've heard a lot (or read a lot, as it's the sort of thing that comes up on blog comment-threads), is "Why didn't you do Persuasion? That's the Austen book that actually takes place on the water!"

The answer is simply that Persuasion, unlike Sense and Sensibility or Pride and Prejudice, may be a great book, but it is not a Great Book. It has not gathered around itself the unmistakable stink of importance.

Sense and Sensibility, on the other hand, stands in the literary tradition as Margaret Dumont stands before Groucho Marx, as the Chairman of the Reception Committee in Duck Soup: Prim and proper and radiating worthiness -- just waiting, in other words, for someone to hit it with a pie.

©2009 Jane Austen and Ben H. Winters, authors of Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters
Author Bios

Ben H. Winters, coauthor of Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters, is a writer based in Brooklyn.

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Vampires and Retractable Fangs

All I would like to say is whether one is a True Vampire or a Half-breed… there isn’t such a thing as retractable fangs… impossible!

Although many pictures or cave dwellings that exist or have existed may depict elongated fangs… they are what they are… depictions. For those that have blatantly declared their Vampirism… foolish don’t you think? Why would you expose yourself to the world? I do not believe that Raven is whom he claims to be nor the other gentleman on this site! Wannabees! I will not debate this… for I do not need to gentleman. I am stating my opinion in these cases.

This will be my only post on this subject. Most of the hype encompassing Vampires is not true. Do I believe in Vampires? I do. No such thing as retractable fangs, and garlic? Well it stinks and it is lore. In the times that garlic was posted to the windows and doors of homes it was due to mere superstition.

Dear friends, all I am trying to convey to you is if you believe then believe, if you do not then don’t! Any Vampire worth their salt knows that you never out yourself or the others… it is against Vampiric Law!

By the way, since there aren’t retractable fangs perhaps the partaking of blood was merely caused by a sharp fingernail or object?

Vampires are also not the undead, no such thing, the smell would be terrible wouldn’t you agree? Perhaps, Vampires age much slower and maybe exist for a longer duration than most people.

The feast of ones soul (blood) is not to be in excess! It is to be relished. For it is impossible to digest, whether you are a True Vampire, Half-breed or Human. Just enough to sustain ones thirst for such a delicacy. One Vampire can not “turn” a human into a Vampire nor turn into a bat…so funny to me. Alas, one may become a Vampire by mere persuasion… and need to sustain an urge to taste the life-force of ones soul.

I Would love to inform all of you more on this website… but I am bound. I will say this… believe!

Sent in by Christiana, Copyright 2009